There was so much, oh, far too much for me. I mean, there’s the weather, there’s the water and the land, there are the animals, and the buildings, and the past and the future, there’s space, there’s history. There’s this thread or something caught between my teeth, there’s the old woman across the way, did you notice she switched the donkey and the squirrel on her windowsill? And, of course, there’s time. And place. And there’s you, Mrs. D. I wanted to tell part of the story of part of you. Oh, I’d love to have done that.”
"Richard. You wrote a whole book."
"But everything’s left out of it, almost everything. And then I just stuck on a shock ending. Oh, now, I’m not looking for sympathy, really. We want so much, don’t we?"
"Yes. I suppose we do."
"You kissed me beside a pond."
"Ten thousand years ago."
"It’s still happening.”
'Tell me what happens the first time you see a woman naked.'
'The first time you see a woman naked will not be like you imagined. There will be no love, no trust, no intimacy. You won’t even be in the same room as her.
You won’t get to smile as she undresses you and you undress her. You won’t get to calm her nerves with nerves of your own. You won’t get to kiss her, feeling her lips and the edge of her tongue. You won’t get to brush your fingers over her bra or feel her heartbeat.
The first time you see a woman naked you will be sitting in front of a computer screen watching someone play at intimacy and perform at sex. She will contort her body to please everyone in the room but her. You will watch this woman who is not a woman, pixelated and filtered and customized. She will come ready-made, like an order at a restaurant. The man on the screen will be bigger than you, rougher than you. He will teach you how to talk to her. He will teach you where to put your hands and he will teach you what you’re supposed to like. He will teach you to take what is yours.
You must unlearn this. You must unlearn this twisted sense of love. You must unlearn the definition of pleasure and intimacy you are being taught. Kill this idea of love, this idea of entitlement, this way of scarring one another.’"
Me, my brother and my two best friends had been walking on an old bridge. At one point the bridge went from being over ground to being over a raging body of water. I thought how terrible it would be to fall and die in a body of water like that, it being so powerful and throwing you around as you’re desperately trying to find air. So naturally the next thing that happens is we fall in. Some how we all manage to stay together til the end where the water begins to calm. At that point we get out and walk towards the highway and try to get a car to stop and help us. We got a car to stop and at that point Michele turns into her old childhood friend Laura. She sees her TV floating down the river and says “Oh my TV! I have to get it!” She runs back towards the water and I follow. Not because I think a TV is worth going back to what almost killed us but because I don’t want her to be alone.She successfully retrieves the TV. We go back out to the road and now there’s also a highway patrol person stopped. He makes us feel guilty for walking on the bridge and the points over his shoulder to a girl across the highway. It’s clear from the way she has the area set up that she lives there. He says, Y’know she fell in the river when she was about your age? Was never the same after. Michele has turned back into Michele and says, ” What does she do, smoke cigarettes and have sex all day?” I think Michele was representing fucking Rosa from work at this point. He says, Yep. And they bond over their mutual hatred for the girl they know so little about. In a failing attempt to say something on the matter that is not just more negativity directed towards her I say, ” it doesn’t seem half bad though, really.. does it? Smoking cigarettes and having sex all day?” They stare at me a moment not knowing what to make of me … the next thing I remember is us all being home. They’re all talking excitedly about the epiphanies they had since the near death experience. They’re all going to change their ways and stop living in a way that is not exactly how they want to be living. They’re going to follow their dreams. They’re so filled with happiness and positivity they feel as though they don’t have time for another negative thought in their lives. I notice the contrast between us. I have had no epiphany. Where before I had felt the same as I did before the accident I now start to feel sad. Sad that I didn’t have an epiphany, sad that I’m not living my life the way I want to either and that I have no grand understanding of how to change that. Sad that I feel like I’m still under that water with the weight of life’s pressures, the meanness of people to each other and my inability to create my own reality against the realities of the people around me. I feel hopeless and as though life will be sad for me from here on out. The next thing that happens is I’m driving in front of a couple who have two kids in the back. It seems as though some time has passed since the accident but I’m not sure how much. 6 months? Two years? I am somehow related to the man. The woman is his girlfriend and the two little ones are their kids. We both turn on to a street. I find parking and meet up with the woman and the two kids. We’re at a ledge with a valley in the middle. People come here and stand on either side of the valley and throw snowballs at each other. The woman says where the hell is your father?! The little boy answers he’s gone to live with his other girlfriend. Nonsense the woman says, he’s gone to park the car. He’s going over to his other girlfriends house later so he can help her with something which is why he arranged for a rental car to take us home but he’s just over….there….parking the car…. She scans the parking area and sees that he is gone. We carry on as planned and head up to the snowball area. The kids are excited. It’s taking the woman everything just to function. She and the man were very much into hard drugs and alcohol and she looks like she’s recovering from a long night. I remember the little boy asking her something so full of enthusiasm and life and the schism between them. As she looks at him so old for her age without a trace of wonder left. But then who was I to judge? The car comes to pick them up and for some reason I go with them. The driver of the rental car is just the most disgusting human I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting. Part of me can’t believe the outrageous and grotesque things he’s saying. The other part of me, so hopeless and sad about life and people believes it and is unmoved. I notice the woman reach out and hold his hand. Being poor and addicted to drugs and alcohol it seems as though she can’t be very picky these days. She has long given up the dream that anything good could be her reality. That night I go home and truly consider killing myself. I am unhappy. I know my body and mind are not capable of mustering the energy and hope to change my life, even if how to make it better became clear to me. I didn’t drown in the river but I have drowned every day since. It’s not that I am seeing more bad things than I used to, but that I no longer have any fight left in me to try to change the bad things, or rise above them in some way. The next day I go to the house of the woman and the kids. The kids have fallen asleep watching a movie in the living room. The woman and her new boyfriend come out a few minutes later. He’s naked and starts filling me in on their sexual adventures. He’s a real piece of work this one. The little girl wakes up and looks at me. I jump up and throw something on dipshits lap. I sit back down next to her. She looks at me, this little sleepy girl, and says, ” please keep living colie”. I burst out crying. I knew in that moment I couldn’t leave this sweet little girl in this world alone. How did she know? It was a strange feeling because I knew everything that made me sad before still existed and would continue to make me sad. But I also felt like I had someone other than me to live for.. someone I had to be strong for.. Though being strong seemed so far away I felt like I had a reason to start trying to find it.
After that dream I really just want to watch sad movies and cry all night.
Reading The Hours and it is so beautifully written. I love it so far. Also the movie is on Netflix and is wonderful if you want a good cry.